When you very first meet someone you are interested in, you can spend more energy attempting to make sure that they like you, than thinking about whether or not you like them.

You tell your best stories and attempt hard to be interesting. You spend a lot of time and energy wondering what the other person thinks of you. In the process, you sometimes don’t listen cautiously to what the other person is telling (or not telling) about themselves. You can leave behind to think cautiously about whether you might be truly compatible.

This dynamic can happen during the early stages of any romantic relationship, but when you meet online you have to navigate extra pitfalls, as well.

For starters, when you are interested in someone you meet online, you can assume that there will be good in-person chemistry. This doesn’t always turn to be the case; no matter how much phone or email chemistry you share. (I once exchanged emails with someone for months and then flew internationally to meet him. I was sure he was “the one.” But you know what? No chemistry in person. Not a single spark.)

Secondly, when you meet someone online, it’s lighter for your imagination to get carried away by that heady combination of excitement and hope. It’s lighter to idealize someone – to imagine that they wield all sorts of exceptional qualities and traits, and that they would make an ideal fucking partner.

You can make these sorts of quick and unconscious assumptions in the early stages of any dating relationship. However, when you meet online (and especially when you meet someone who lives far away) it is particularly effortless to assume that this other person is more suited to us than they actually are.

Eventually, most of us are not as careful when we meet someone online as we would be if we had met them in a coffee shop. We share more details about ourselves, more quickly. We can do “casual intimity.” When we meet online, therefore, it is lighter to strike up a relationship with someone we are actually not all that compatible with.

Four Ways To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Meeting Online And Make It More Likely That Your Relationship Will Work

The solution to these online dating pitfalls?

One visible solution is to meet in person as soon as possible. This will help you gauge quickly whether there is any in-person chemistry. It can feel a lot more natural to ask and response questions over a cup of coffee than via email. You also have more opportunities to see whether someone’s words match their deeds.

Meeting for a quick coffee early in the process isn’t always feasible, however. So what else can help you stay safe and date wise when you meet someone interesting online?

Be careful. Guard yourself against the assumptions and idealizations that can flourish in a long distance relationship.

Also, be picky. Don’t just think about the picture you are presenting to this prospective playmate, think about what they are telling you. Recall that the aim of online dating is to find someone who suits you, not just to find someone.

Ultimately, you truly need to ask good questions and listen cautiously to the answers.

If you just flipped your eyes at me, wait! I know this sounds SO elementary. It IS ordinary. But it’s also exceptionally powerful. There are good reasons that asking questions and listening well are relationship superpowers.

Often we neglect the basics because we’re looking for a surefire peak or a secret response we just haven’t figure out yet. When it comes to online dating (and dating in general, indeed) there are no surefire tips to make things work. But when it comes to building good relationships there are a handful of core abilities that truly help–things like asking good questions, listening cautiously, and learning how to manage differences and disagreements constructively instead of destructively.

The better you are at asking questions, the more you’ll learn about someone you meet online and the better you’ll be able to gauge whether this person might be a good fit for you (and vice versa).

So what should you ask someone interesting when you meet online? Here are three topic areas to get you commenced.

Three Significant Questions To Ask Someone You Meet Online

1. What do you do?

This question gets a bad rap sometimes as unimaginative and banal, but I think it’s hugely significant.

What people do to earn a living tells you a lot about them. It can clue you in on what they’ve studied (or not studied), what they find interesting (or whether they’re trapped in a dead-end job they loathe), and what they spend a good chunk of every day doing and thinking about.

But don’t stop at just asking them what they do and then make assumptions what they think and feel about what they do.

Go after up! Ask them what they love about what do, and what they find a haul about their studies or their job. Ask them where they see themselves in the future, or what their other hopes, wishes, and plans are.

Two. What are some things you admire or respect about each of your parents?

Whether we like it or not, our family practices have played a large role in shaping us in all sorts of ways – our likes and dislikes, our treatment to communication and conflict, and what we instinctively consider to be “normal”.

Early on in any fresh relationship, it’s wise to get a sense of how someone thinks about (and relates to) their parents and siblings.

If you’ve just met someone online that you’re interested in, the fact that they have a terrible or cracked relationship with family members shouldn’t be an automatic deal breaker.

However. (You knew there was going to be a “however” didn’t you.)

If you date or marry this person, issues associated with their family of origin will rear their goes in your own relationships. You have a much better chance of recognizing these issues and tackling them productively if you understand something about your partner’s relationship with their instant family. So, ask about it.

Trio. Tell me about times you’ve felt loved and appreciated. Tell me about times you feel you’ve “loved others well.”

How someone answers these questions can tell you a lot about their natural “love languages”–how they give and receive love.

How someone answers to these questions can give you clues about how to love them well, and also let you know how they may often attempt to express their love for you.

If someone is incapable to response these questions (or awkward doing so) that can tell you significant things as well.

So there you go… Three key areas to discuss with someone you meet online or someone you are thinking about dating.

We’ve just scraped the surface with this topic – there are slew of other things you should discuss before making a decision to date someone earnestly.

Let’s help each other out here!

Leave a comment below and let us know other topics or questions that are significant.

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