This App for Threesomes Might Be for Something Else Entirely

3nder. (Illustration: Irene Rinaldi)

“T he entire threesome thing began when my fucking partner and I were nosey about exploring our sexualities together,” Dimo Trifonov, tech branding specialist and founder of 3nder, told the Observer. “She had feelings for a female, and she didn’t know how to tell me. So she wrote me a letter, and I responded with 3nder. I commenced it as a playground for people who want to explore themselves.”

3nder, better known as Tinder for threesomes, connects “kinky, nosey and open- minded singles and couples around you,” who can then join a group talk. While the main purpose is to arrange threesomes, Mr. Trifonov believes 3nder is not limited to people looking for threesomes, or for polyamorous couples searching for thirds for their relationship. “Poly dating or just practices, it doesn’t matter as long as your mind is open to fresh things,” Mr. Trifonov said. Many users are single, straight studs who simply want to skip the pleasantries expected on old-fashioned dating apps.

Three 3nder phones. (Photo: 3nder)

Being “open to fresh things” is an idiom echoed in 3nder bios and people’s direct messages. When asked what people were looking for on 3nder, the most popular response was “open-minded friends,” or “people open to fresh practices.” Tinder and OkCupid can be safe spaces to seek out others with singular tastes, a la Fifty Shades of Grey, but anyone who has ever swiped right knows it’s far too effortless to e-run into a co-worker or childhood friend. On 3nder, everyone knows what they’re signing up for—there’s no chance of pretending you made a mistake.

“I’m here for a threesome or maybe even just to meet a single woman who’s not totally insane,” a 22-year-old, “heteroflexible” user told us through a message on 3nder. “These apps all seem inherently flawed because everyone on them has insecurity issues, at least in my practice. Yes, a threesome would be awesome, but it seems impractical to work out, especially on an app.”

According to Mr. Trifonov, about thirty five percent of 3nder members are couples, with more than forty percent of the duo accounts created by the female fucking partner. Only eight percent of the couples are not masculine and female, and thirty four percent of the members don’t identify as straight. That leaves an app utter of masculine/female playmates, and many heterosexual men…there are only a few “unicorns,” the popular name for a presumably beautiful, heteroflexible or bisexual single woman hoping to join a duo.

When three’s a crowd. (Photo: Erika Stone/Getty Photos)

Alexandra*, a Los Angeles native on 3nder, was in committed, heterosexual relationships she called “restrictive,” until she moved to Fresh York earlier this year. “It wasn’t until I was engagement ring shopping that I realized I wasn’t ready to give up everything for marriage. I began using Tinder in two thousand fifteen after my breakup and loved the ego boost and the freedom to date casually,” she said. “I think there’s a massive request for ‘unicorns’ out there and an exceptionally petite supply, which is fantastic news for someone like me, who would love to join another duo.”

Mimi Schippers, an associate professor of sociology and gender studies and sexiness at Tulane University, wrote the forthcoming Beyond Monogamy: Polyamory and the Future of Polyqueer Sexualities. In her academic article for NYU Press, “3nder and the Threesome Imaginary,” Dr. Schippers wrote, “According to representations of 3nder threesomes, the duo is heterosexual and the person invited into their bed is a woman…Where are the threesomes that include two fellows and one woman?”

The infamous Gossip Dame threesome, starring teenage queen Hilary Duff. (Photo: Gossip Woman)

Dr. Schippers believes 3nder is doing little to dispel the myth of the F/F/M threesome infamous in popular culture, whether it’s on Gossip Woman or in Wild Things. “There is no screenplay in the mainstream threesome imaginary where a woman in a heterosexual duo gets to witness some boy-on-boy activity inbetween her spouse or bf and another guy…3nder is there to fulfill every straight guy’s fantasy—a threesome with two women.”

W hile 3nder is bringing about more awareness of polyamorous rela tionships and suggesting the topic up for debate, for some users it’s simply about joy and procuring an unconventional practice for the evening.

One 26-year-old man signed up after witnessing it on a Vice documentary about modern dating. He’s not interested in polyamorous relationships but appreciates the sexual liberation 3nder presents. “I signed up for the same reason the rest of us did: to skip all the niceties that come with these other dating apps,” he explained. He’s tired of talking about futile subjects—“Who cares if I heard Lemonade and Views? Unless those are your safe words, keep it moving”—and feels women on vanilla dating apps swipe right for validation of their looks and profile rather than actually connecting.

“I used to see my gay homeboys on Grindr and thought, ‘Dang, it would be lit if we had that for the straight world.’ And voila, here we are in 2016. And the best part is, the ladies are just as savage as the guys. Shoot, I’ll even eliminate the heteronormativity and gender binarism from that: Everyone’s identically savage,” he said, describing in detail a latest fivesome he initiated using the app. 3nder might be described as Tinder for threesomes, but for some users, it’s simply Tinder without the usual social mores. *Some names have been switched.

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