“My Bf is Addicted to Singles Talk Sites”

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I know what he’s doing because I check his browser history. We’ve been fighting about it for months. I don’t sleep because I know what he does when I go to sleep and I’m depressed by it. I’ve told him about my concerns, told him there’s no reason a dude in a serious relationship should be regularly visiting those sites unless he’s not blessed and he’s searching for a replacement. His response: “I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m glad with you. It’s just an outlet to relieve stress.” Am I wrong to be upset by this, to be losing sleep and feeling my self-esteem plummet? — Lost Sleep

Oh, my. What I’m most worried about is not so much what you’re presently dealing with, but about what must have happened to you in your past that makes the relationship you have now seem “fine” in comparison, because, no, no, no. This is not excellent. Nothing about what you describes indicates that there’s anything tolerable, let alone “superb” about your relationship. Your bf rushes you through hook-up? He turns down to go anywhere with you? You both go without sleep every night? You check his internet history all the time? He uses singles talk sites to relieve stress? Gee, maybe if he didn’t spend all his time sneaking around he wouldn’t feel stressed out.

But that’s beside the point, truly. The point is that your relationship boat has sailed and it’s time for you to MOA. This is beyond saving. You shouldn’t want to save it. People in salvageable relationships don’t spend every waking hour basically cheating on their significant others. You say there’s “no reason a man in a serious relationship should be regularly visiting those sites unless he’s not blessed,” which is partially true. The entire truth is that there’s no reason a man in a serious, monogamous relationship should EVER be visiting those sites unless the relationship is finished. A healthy relationship has trust, companionship, respect, love, and intimity. Without those things, you’re essentially left with a roomie who spends a lot of time on the computer. Face it: this relationship is over. Donezo, finis. MOA, LW, and give that loser beau of yours a legitimate reason to cruise the singles sites.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help response, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to go after me on Twitter.

cporoski January 11, 2012, 7:20 am

Totally agree, Wendy. LW, This is bad! This is too big of a thing to be immovable.

Brad January 11, 2012, 7:22 am

This is undoubtedly a case of MOA if I ever spotted one. He hasn’t respected you for months and he isn’t respecting you now. Dump. His. Caboose.

ChemE January 11, 2012, 7:29 am

I have to agree with Wendy here. I’m not sure how “things are going good” when, from your letter, it sounds like every waking 2nd he is talking on these sites and not providing you any time out of his day.

If you’ve confronted him about it and there isn’t any switch, you need to stir on. It might suck because you have so much time invested, but he isn’t providing you anything.

Question however… was he like this before you moved in with him? I mean you must have had some kind of interaction apart from what you’ve said, otherwise I’m not sure how you even have a relationship with someone like that.

cporoski January 11, 2012, 9:09 am

I think you hit the pulverize on the head. She has alot of time invested and doesn’t want to walk away from it.

Also, before they moved in, she didn’t see what he was doing when the weren’t around. After I got married, I moved in with my now hubby and there were all sorts of stuff that I found out. For example, he is an avid professional wrestling fan. So he would tivo it when we went out and observed it later. We dated for years and I had no idea. No matter what, there are things you can only know about someone once you live together. Unluckily, the LW has a much creepier thing going on.

ChemE January 11, 2012, Ten:08 am

Nothing wrong with pro wrestling �� My hubby and I witness it all the time!

But I do agree, there are things you learn about people when you budge in with them that you didn’t know before. But from her letter it sounds like they do almost nothing together, if he stays up all night talking, goes to work, rush-fucks her, then back to the talk sites, I wonder if he just enlargened his talking once she moved in, or he was always flaky but she didn’t know why.

cporoski January 11, 2012, 11:05 am

I am guessing the before they moved in, since he went away to meet her, the computer wasn’t right there so he didn’t have the urge. Now that it is in the house, its “pull is greater”

Daisy January 11, 2012, 7:33 am

I’m going to have to quote a latest ReginaRey reaction on this one (hope you don’t mind, RR!)… “WHY DO WE DO THIS. Why do we cling to the mere whisper of a relationship, when the truth is screaming and drooling in our faces?!”

LW, I’m sorry if it’s rough to hear, but this relationship is OVER. It may take some time to get over since it’s taken up two years of your life, but the sooner you budge on the sooner you’ll find someone with whom you can detect what a excellent relationship truly is!

ReginaRey January 11, 2012, 8:11 am

I’m flattered that you quoted me verbatim! ��

Daisy January 11, 2012, 8:57 am

I’m a long-time reader but a fresh commenter… figured quoting a site dearest would be a good begin! ��

Not to mention, your words were totally suitable the very first time and are totally adequate now! These women with so little respect for themselves can be maddening! However perhaps it upsets me so much because I’ve been there and know how much better life can be!

Rachel January 11, 2012, 12:30 pm

I think your last sentence rings true for me as well. I just want to go back in time and yell at my junior self, just like I want to yell at the LW. Or maybe not yell, but give her a big hug and attempt to coax her that she indeed can do better for herself.

Britannia January 11, 2012, Two:53 pm

RR, have you read “How Not To Marry the Wrong Fellow”? It talks all about that very question, in depth. I got a copy from my grandmother from Christmas and it’s truly been an interesting read.

Francine January 11, 2012, 12:32 pm

Oh my gosh. I love that! Thanks for reposting ReginaRey’s wisdom. And thanks RR for being so wise.

caitie_didn’t January 11, 2012, 7:49 am

“things are going superb so far”.

SpaceySteph January 11, 2012, Four:46 pm

This a million times. I always wonder, as Wendy questions above, what qualifies as “excellent.” Maybe its: he cooks me dinner five nights a week, puts his decorate over the puddles so I don’t have to dirty my footwear, and the lovemaking is mindblowing, but…

If that was the case I might say ok, stay with that man if that’s significant to you. But honestly, most of the time I think “good” is code for “better than my ex” or “knows my name” but wouldn’t stand up on their own merit.

Zepp January 11, 2012, 7:56 am

Yea, it sounds like this relationship is done. Even if the LW wants to string up on until her bf meets someone else on these talk sites and cracks up with her, its just a matter of time- there’s no saving it. Sorry LW �� please please save some dignity and dump him before he dumps you.

FireStar January 11, 2012, 8:02 am

Sorry honey. Normally, people on this site would be telling you to communicate or investigate therapy but you have already communicated and therapy can’t help someone unwilling to switch. There is a difference inbetween legitimate addiction and choice made by free and unfettered will. He makes his choice every night knowing it damages you – now it’s time for you to make a choice of your own.

melanie January 11, 2012, 9:54 am

Exactly. It’s not as if it’s something that plopped into his lap against his will. He has been premeditating and purposefully making decisions that are harmful to you. Set your boundaries by not letting him do this to you. Walk away now and keep your dignity.

BriarRose January 11, 2012, 8:05 am

Huh? You yourself say you’re feeling yourself esteem plummet. Why would you want to stay in a situation where you acknowledge that is happening? I understand that it will be hard to budge on from a lengthy relationship, and physically budge out, but this is truly ridiculous. You are sad, stressed, and feeling down on yourself. I’ll tell you right now what you most likely already know: being lonely in a relationship is one of the worst feelings in the world. Better to be “alone” and feel okay about yourself (which will get better as each day goes by) than stay in a soul-sucking relationship in which online interaction with strangers is more enticing to your bf than a relationship with the living, breathing person he’s living with.

ReginaRey January 11, 2012, 8:15 am

I agree with Wendy so much here. What the hell happened to this LW in the past to make her think that this is a relationship worth being in?!

LW – This relationship is NOT healthy. I don’t know what you’ve experienced in the past, I don’t know what kind of relationships you witnessed growing up – But this is NOT HEALTHY. A bf is someone who doesn’t rush hookup in order to talk with single damsels online; a bf is someone who wants to spend time with you during the DAY; a beau is someone who loves you and respects you and treats you as an equal fucking partner – not someone who treats you like a second-class citizen.

You are totally, 100% responsible for the situation you’re presently in. You can’t control what your beau does, but you CAN control your reaction to it. The reaction you need to be exhibiting is that of swift, finish, utter dumping. Leave him. Today. He’s proven to you time and again that he doesn’t care about this relationship, doesn’t care all that much about you, and never will.

Then, get yourself to a therapist. With the help of a professional, I think you can begin to detect why you’ve accepted so, so little out of life and this relationship. Please, let someone help you redefine what constitutes a healthy relationship.

wendyblueeyes January 11, 2012, 8:40 am

“Things are going good” and “We’ve been fighting about it for months.” These two statements, taken together, are oxymorons. No honey, things are not going superb.

Budj January 11, 2012, 8:54 am

Your beau is a weirdo.

ReginaRey January 11, 2012, 8:57 am

Plain and to the point…I love it haha.

Budj January 11, 2012, 9:26 am

I could understand being addicted to WoW….singles talk sites tho’…? wtf.

ReginaRey January 11, 2012, 9:30 am

I mean, let’s be real, I doubt “talking” is the only thing going on at 3am…

Britannia January 11, 2012, Two:55 pm

It makes me wonder if he’s living a “dual life” on those talk sites. Like, he’s pretending to have a entirely different life and gets emotional gratification out of it. It doesn’t seem like he’s particularly interested or invested in his real life, so maybe he’s gone to an extreme level of avoidance?

Daisy January 11, 2012, 9:39 am

My BF is addicted (or pretty darn close!) to WoW and that’s bad enough! If he’s up to 2am doing anything but battling dragons with his guild, dude better find a fresh place to live!

Budj January 11, 2012, Ten:12 am

haha, my point exactly. I can empathize with a WoW addiction (I used to play…holy time drown, batman) but totally not “talking” at three am on a singles website.

SweetPea January 11, 2012, Ten:08 am

Wow widow here! LOL

But, he has narrowed his use down to two nights a week. I get my Monday and Thursday night to myself. It works out kinda nice �� I love my little nerd.

mcminnem January 11, 2012, Ten:25 am

This is why I’m glad both my beau and I are game nerds – when one of us complains about being tired, and the other says “why?” and the response is “I may or may not have been up till three running dungeons/campaigning/truly wished to kill (insert boss monster here), the response is usually, “oh, cool” if it isn’t “dude, I wished to *observe* you do that! Why didn’t you wake me up?”

SweetPea January 11, 2012, Ten:35 am

While I can’t get into it myself, I understand that my bf is worth this time to do something he truly loves. And it is good for us to have our own things.

And what I truly appreciate about him is even tho’ I know raid nights are Monday and Thursday, he always says that if something good is going in real life, it will take precedence. He wouldn’t miss out on something that mattered to me or something super joy because of it.

Hard to believe that LW’s beau won’t go places with her during the day, ever. That sounds just… terrible. Besides the fact that what he is doing can be seen as cheating (would be to me anyway), it is SO unhealthy as a human being to not want to leave the house because of any sort of online addiction.

oppositeofzen January 11, 2012, 11:24 am

That’s a excellent compromise! Once I get thru prelims and get Skyrim, I may have to use this.

meaghan January 11, 2012, 11:35 am

Bahahaha there is no way you’ll be able to do only two nights a week for skyrim! Thank God I only see my spouse on weekends because the hundred or more hours I’ve logged in the past two weeks might have been a problem!

amber January 11, 2012, 11:37 am

yeah i knew i was in for it when my spouse bought home what looks like a textbook on skyrim. fortunately we have two tvs so i can witness my trash tv while he plays his games!

oppositeofzen January 11, 2012, 12:32 pm

That’s my thickest fear with that game. Hence why I won’t get it for a bit longer.

iseeshiny January 11, 2012, Three:14 pm

I deliberately did not buy Skyrim because I knew I would only play it… and then my parents got it for me for Christmas. Sooo…. yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing lately.

Elizabeth January 11, 2012, 8:56 am

Can we make it “Woman Wednesday?” The day you “woman up” and act like a lady instead of a child?

You deserve much better, LW. The sooner you get out of this ‘relationship,’ the sooner you can get some much needed sleep.

SweetPea January 11, 2012, 9:02 am

Please listen to me LW. That little voice inwards you that says you can’t do better… the one that says no one else will ever love you… the one that says it will be way too hard to embark over… is a BIG. FAT. LIAR.

I don’t care how long you have been with this dude. I don’t care how old you are. I don’t care how inconvenient it will be for you to stir out of a collective apartment/embark dating again/ whatever it is that is keeping you from moving on. You need to stop this insanity. This man is an asshole. And you deserve so much more. I wish I could tell this dude off for you. But, I can’t. So, think about all of our voices there with you when you do it.

I can’t wait to see your update in a few weeks/months… when you are on your way to a fresh life!

cporoski January 11, 2012, 9:26 am

You are 100% right here. I think many times, people are feeling the pressure of age and amount of time invested in a relationship. I don’t know how old the reader is but this letter screams that she is lodging because she thinks she is out of time.

meg January 11, 2012, Two:49 pm

I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than be committed to a d-bag and hate myself. LW, where do you want to be a year, five years, ten years from now? With this asshole, lounging awake at night unfulfilled, depressed, hopeless and hating your life, wondering why you’re not enough to please him? Because that’s where you’ll be if you don’t force yourself to budge on now, no matter how hard it may seem. You can’t switch him; you can only control yourself and your circumstances. Just think of how much better your life will be six months from now after dumping him TODAY. Don’t put it off any longer.

bethany January 11, 2012, 9:07 am

LW, I feel so bad for you that you said this: “Things are going fine except for his addiction to singles talk sites.”

As others have pointed out, what about this relationship is fine?? A big fat nothing, that’s what.

In order for a relationship to work out in the long term, you need to have similar values and want the same things. It seems like you value trust, honesty and committment, and clearly he does not. He has no plans on switching his behavior and he doesn’t display any of the traits you’d want in a playmate. MOA and do it swift.

ReginaRey January 11, 2012, 9:17 am

Yeah, the disconnect in that very first sentence blew my mind. To me, it’s akin to telling “Things in my life are going good, except I just lost my job and my apartment!” No no, no! Things can’t be “going excellent” when your bf is addicted to singles talk sites and denies to spend time with you during the day. It just ain’t possible.

savannah January 11, 2012, 9:09 am

Your relationship is over..or there wasn’t indeed one there to begin with, I can’t indeed tell. But thats what it sounds like because besides your ‘beau’ treating you like crap while you were(eek, are) living together there he sounds like he has a serious addiction which is truly affecting his life which means he most likely, well almost 100%, did this via the very first two years you were dating. Which means he’s never indeed been ‘in’ it with you. If you still care about him I would leave a therapists number as you walk out the door.

Allison January 11, 2012, 9:16 am

MOA. There is no possible way that the good things in this relationship could outweigh all the bad ones. With all the time he spends on singles sites and then fighting you about it, I don’t know where he has the time to do anything “fine.” There are slew of people out there who won’t sit on singles sites all night, so go find one of those.

Fabelle January 11, 2012, 9:Nineteen am

Oh, wow. Please leave him. His habit/addiction isn’t a method of stress ease or whatever other bullshit excuse he’s providing you. He chooses it to having hook-up with you, sleeping in bed with you, and going out with you. When you’re getting ready to leave the house, he’s hiding his pleasure at having a few hours alone with his computer. When he hears your key in the door, he’s thinking “Fuck” as he x’s out all the windows. Next time you leave, just don’t come back & see if he even notices. What are you doing to yourself?

Mainer January 11, 2012, 9:Nineteen am

You’d very likely be better off dating a vibro. At least then you can get off decently AND be able to check Facebook after because the computer won’t be tied up.

Landygirl January 11, 2012, Ten:37 am

Plus a massager doesn’t know how to surf the internet.

Mainer January 11, 2012, Ten:47 am

Sure, NOW they can’t. But I’m predicting – and you heard it here very first, folks – that by the end of the decade there will be a electro-hitachi with bluetooth connectivity so you can share your practice on Facebook. Much like those running apps that display how far you ran and what your time was:

“JANE BYRNES got off in two MINUTES and thirty one SECONDS using V-Stim Hitachi. This is Jane’s THIRD quickest orgasm. Can you hit her? Log in to register your own V-Stim Vibro now and find out!”

mcminnem January 11, 2012, 11:51 am

Oh good lord, that made me laugh.

JK January 11, 2012, 12:00 pm

As if some FB updates weren´t TMI already. ��

Landygirl January 11, 2012, 12:27 pm

I wish I could upvote this more than once.

rainbow January 11, 2012, 12:28 pm

I’m guessing soon you’ll also be able to connect them to the porn you’re watching, so it recreates the sensations for you. Living in the future rocks!

Betty Boop January 11, 2012, 9:31 pm

They already have a masculine lovemaking fucktoy that does exactly that!!

rainbow January 12, 2012, 7:39 am

Indeed? Link, please!

SpaceySteph January 11, 2012, Four:59 pm

I want to live in that future. It sounds entertaining.

mcminnem January 11, 2012, 9:35 am

I’m going to say something nasty but true in the hopes that it will get you angry enough to leave.

So you live with this dude. He has hookup with you, but on his terms, where he rushes you so he can get back to his addiction.

Do you do things around the apartment? Have you been buying groceries? Cooking? Paying part of the rent? Utilities?

What I’m getting at is that you are doing things for this relationship while your bf gives the absolute minimum necessary to keep you around, and then spends the bulk of his time basically Dangling OUT WITH OTHER CHICKS.

He’s using you as a placeholder while he Resumes DATING.

He is using you, as his lovemaking fucktoy, his maid, his meal ticket, while he keeps shopping for a gf.

He’s not your beau, LW – beau’s treat their girlfriends like girlfriends, not objects. He’s not even treating you like a person, let alone a gf.

summerkitten26 January 11, 2012, 6:23 pm

this is not nasty-speak. this is TRUTH. and LW, it may sound harsh, but we honestly believe you deserve better than your roomy (i can’t call him a beau). if it’s your name on the lease, kick him out. if you’re both on it, get out somehow. crash with a friend; I’m sure your friends love you and are hurting and willing to help you get out of this. he is disrespectful to you and clearly doesn’t care about your mental well being or happiness. sending you hugs.

SGMcG January 11, 2012, Ten:03 am

For me, talking on the internet isn’t necessarily a crime onto itself, and it’s all dependent on where the talking takes place and the context of how it happens. If the talking is done on a specific website or forum where there is no expectation of romantic relationship formations (like Dear Wendy or a forum for a specific interest), I don’t see the harm in that. Things get a little more tricky when the talking is done on sites where you are paired at random with various users (like Omegle, Chatroulette or various IRCS) – there’s so much temptation TO cheat, but without the transcript of the talk in question, it’s hard to say if cheating is actually taking place.

Talking on a singles talk site however, especially when paired with an account to pair you up with other available singles, is a entire different ball game, and horribly offensive to your relationship. The fact that the fellow uses you for physical hookup and THEN goes for emotional interaction on these websites with other people is WRONG. LW, please MOA and DTMFA!

JK January 11, 2012, Ten:Legitimate am

“no expectation of romantic relationship formations” Is Budj-Addie not happening then? ��

Addie Beg January 11, 2012, 11:24 am

We’re both playing hard to get. Which makes the relationship hard, you see.

Addie Plead January 11, 2012, 11:27 am

Also, there’s a lot of Budj+RR flirting going on up there. They need to get a room already and stop flaunting it in my face. [Jealous, I storm off/minimize my browser.]

JK January 11, 2012, 11:35 am

We need more guys on DW.

Boy Friday January 11, 2012, 11:39 am

*tips his cap and bows*

Bagge72 January 11, 2012, 12:16 pm

Well it has to be a truly hard time for him, he has to very attractive chicks to flirt with, and he is in a band! I bet he has awesome hair too!

Bagge72 January 11, 2012, 12:17 pm

Budj January 11, 2012, 1:11 pm

I like the way you type.

Addie Beg January 11, 2012, 1:21 pm

I’m fond of the way you reply.

amber January 11, 2012, Ten:20 am

I think you need to ask yourself this question, if your friend was in this position and emailing you with this problem, what would your response be? Can you see how not normal it is from that perspective. I know it is hard to MOA when you’re living with someone but that is what you need to do. Find yourself a fresh place to live, get everything in order, have support of friends and family if they’re close and then tell him you’re leaving. Don’t tell him you want to break up before you do these things tho’ because it will be much lighter to be won over by but I swear I’ll switch if you haven’t already created an exit plan.

SweetPea January 11, 2012, Ten:28 am

“Don’t tell him you want to break up before you do these things tho’ because it will be much lighter to be won over by but I swear I’ll switch if you haven’t already created an exit plan. ”

Such good advice! If she has a solid plan and place to go when she tells him that it is over, it will make is so much lighter to go after through!

Skyblossom January 11, 2012, 11:00 am

Also, abandon having lovemaking with him, it just keeps you emotional connected to him and makes it that much firmer to leave.

Landygirl January 11, 2012, 11:45 am

Exactly, no hookup is better than bad lovemaking.

Kate B January 11, 2012, Ten:35 am

His excuse of using these talk rooms as a stress-reliever rings a bell. I just finished working on a legal case where a man spent his day surfing the web looking at porn (some of it very hard core) instead of working. He trained fifth-grade music. His excuse? Things were not going well at home and he needed to relieve some stress. Well, guess what? He lost his job, his training credential, his future, his wifey and his daughters. Yeah, no stress there.

mcminnem January 11, 2012, Ten:50 am

Gah, gah, gah. As a future music teacher, this squicks me out so bad. Those poor kids!

Kate b. January 11, 2012, 12:07 pm

Attempt having to look at the stuff. At work. As part of your job. I’ll never look at it again. I’ve seen enough.

shelllo January 11, 2012, 12:Nineteen pm

Kate b. January 11, 2012, 12:37 pm

I am a legal secretary. This is not the very first job I’ve had where looking at this stuff was one of my job suties. (Long story and not as interesting as I’m sure you’re thinking. :)) That’s one reason why it fell to me to treat this. It was partly because I was assigned to the attorney who took the case, but they would’ve accommdated me if I objected. But also because it doesn’t bother me. In fact, mostly I find it hilarious. Laugh-out-loud hilarious. I could never use it as a turn-on. I have no protestation to pron in and of itself, but it just doesn’t do anything for me. But the sheer volume of the stuff was staggering. I wonder when he had time to instruct.

Kate b. January 11, 2012, 12:37 pm

Duties, not suties.

Budj January 11, 2012, Two:32 pm

5th grade music very likely left students out of his classroom a lot and it isn’t uncommon to have hoards of porn files because you don’t want to bother re-downloading…not telling this excuses it…but he most likely had sufficient time to peruse it sans students in the room.

Social Darwinism? How many people have to get caught looking at porn while at work before people realize you always get caught…

Something More January 11, 2012, 12:30 pm

Why? I mean, if he was in an office and watching hard-core porn, how is that hurting the kids? Save from taking his attention away from lesson plans and such. Just because he is a teacher, he can’t see hard-core porn? Granted it should not be done on school grounds, but as long as it’s not carried into the classroom, I don’t see how this should warrant a “those poor kids!”

oppositeofzen January 11, 2012, 12:37 pm

I think “Those poor kids” was in reference to him doing it AT school. Where were the kids when this was going on? Maybe I’m a prude or want to keep kids sheltered, but there are a lot of things little eyes do not need to see.

Kate b. January 11, 2012, 12:38 pm

One of the concerns was that some of the photos he was looking at involved very youthfull people.

Kate b. January 11, 2012, 12:39 pm

And he was doing it in the classroom.

Something More January 11, 2012, 1:Legal pm

Yeah, THAT’S horrible. But your original post didn’t include that info, so I was just wondering why mcminnem had said that.

Kate B. January 11, 2012, 1:27 pm

Yeah, I know. I’m posting in snippets this morning. There is also the possibility of liability if say, a staff member or parent had walked in and seen it. His employer could have been sued for all kinds of things. So, just because you’re doing it in the privacy of your office, doesn’t mean it’s okay. This is why most employers have rules about this sort of thing. If you must do it, do it at home.

Something More January 11, 2012, Two:23 pm

Yeah, I get that it’s not OK at school AT ALL. Which I entirely agree with. I guess (based on her reply below) that I misconstrued her reply to mean that JUST because he was a teacher, he shouldn’t look at that sort of thing.

mcminnem January 11, 2012, 1:45 pm

Yeah, I understand you. It’s not that I’m against the porn, it was the idea that he’s doing this AT the school, while he was supposed to be training. What were those 20-30 11-year-olds doing during that time?

And it also gets to me because it was a music class, which are hard enough to keep in schools already – I can just see some budget crunching person somewhere pointing to this as a reason that such classes are a waste of time: “look, this music teacher cared so little that he was watching porn on the job!” Ridiculous, but I’ve heard a lot of ridiculous things.

mcminnem January 11, 2012, 1:47 pm

whups, meant as a reply to SomethingMore ��

Something More January 11, 2012, Two:33 pm

I agree with the music in school thing. Gratefully, both of my daughters have the chance to be in a music class at their schools. It’s a shame it’s not able to be available everywhere. And honestly, I have a special place in my heart for my elementary school music teacher. She is such a wonderful lady.

cporoski January 11, 2012, 11:57 am

so true! why not do some yoga to relieve stress.

rangerchic January 11, 2012, Ten:37 am

Don’t truly have much to add – everyone already pretty much hit the tear up on the head. I just hope the LW realizes it and truly takes everything to hart. At least take everything said here and truly think about it. You’ll be much more satisfied once you find a fellow who will put you very first!

Skyblossom January 11, 2012, Ten:58 am

I’m reading the book “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout and she has a rule that she calls the Rule of Threes which I think is excellent and suitable here.

One lie, cracked promise or neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding.

Two may involve a serious mistake.

Three lies says your dealing with a liar and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can.

Your beau is being permanently deceitful and sneaky with his computer use. I think that tells you everything you need to know.

cporoski January 11, 2012, 12:55 pm

I totally agree that she should MOA. But is he lounging to her? He doesn’t want her to see him in the act but I think that is a knee masturbate reaction. He isn’t deleting his browser history so honestly I think he is pretty out in the open with this telling deal with it. It kind of reminds me of hoarders. People who live with hoarders just have to deal with it or leave.

atraditionalist January 11, 2012, Ten:59 am

Essentially you are just someone to split the rent with.

6napkinburger January 11, 2012, 11:02 am

Just to take a different angle on this:

Your beau is clearly addicted to these talk sites. Like, literally, clinincally, addicted. Which raises several significant questions. Has he always been addicted to these sites or has it gotten worse recently? Has it been this way the entire time you’ve lived together or did it commence abruptly? Is/was there other stuff in his life that is would cause the kind of stress that drives people to self-medicating?

Two years is a lot of time. If he’s a shitty cheating beau, then it doesn’t matter how long, you MOA. But lets take five seconds to consider if this could better be described as an illness. Two years in, you consider staying through an illness. I don’t like hopping to the medical aspect, but that description is more than just a bf who would rather get his rocks off online. That is all-encompassing. He needs to get to therapy pronto and a psychiatrist who specializes in internet addictiosn. If he’s that “stressed”, perhaps he needs medication to deal with anxiety. (Hence going to a doctor and not taking anything I have to say about medicine as anything other than rampant speculation.) If he turns down to see it as a problem or address it, or go get help, then again, MOA. But it’s worth considering.

Also, you should ask yourself if this is a phase.

I know that sounds like a cop out. But I have a very addictive personality and I get (literally), not a figure of speech) obsessed with things for bursts of time and they are all encompassing for me. I don’t sleep/stop watching people/etc. And they can be embarrassing things I’m doing, so I never tell anyone. Only if you live with me will you know. I’ll do something every day, almost all hours of the day for a month or two months, and then I’ll literally never do it again. I’ll listen to the same song on repeat for a week (only one song) and then never listen to it again. I know I’m weird and eventually I’ll tell my therapist this, but its what I do. If this sounds at all like your BF, then there’s a chance this will run its course and you’ll never have to deal with the “cheating” aspect of this again because he’ll be over single-chatting. And I never found that this aspect of my personality to be debilitating to my relationships (my bf would sometimes intervene, tell me to put down the computer/kindle/iphone, we’re going out, but it wasn’t a dealbreaker.) Mainly because when someone else was around, even my boyrfiend, I’d be embarrassed by how much I did something and the thing itself, and I’d tone it down and mainly only do it when he was out.

If this guys was just a sleaze and you would wake up to find him on chat-roulette with his arm on his joystick or that when you were out, he was permanently checking out singles sites, I’d say it was no question, no brainer, budge on and dump his arse. However, given the description, he may need help that would actually help him not do this anymore. You clearly love the boy. And most of the people’s advice here is about self-respect and his amount of respect for you and your relationship. But if he’s actually addicted, truly, self-medicating through this, then it isn’t an issue of him not respecting you or not caring about you and you don’t have to break up with him to maintain a healthy level of self-respect. You can support him and his treatment in comeback for his love, appreciation, commitment to you , your relationship and his health and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror. Maybe you don’t want to sign up for helping this man learn not to do things that hurt you, maybe its just too much and too risky, and that is 100% fair. And he has to accept 100% that he needs help and that he has a true problem, not that he’s just disrepecting you but that his life is out of control. But you should at least ask yourself if any of what I have said applies before plopping him on the curb.

SweetPea January 11, 2012, 11:16 am

Eh. I tend to think if this is the case, the LW leaving might be the wake up call he needs.

If he were addicted to online gambling… she could stick it out a little longer and attempt to help him get help. But, he is addicted to something (talking with single ladies!) that is a direct insult to what I am guessing is a monogamous relationship.

ReginaRey January 11, 2012, 11:21 am

I think this is a very reasonable analysis. But still…there’s something I can’t fairly get behind. Maybe I haven’t dealt with enough junkies or addictive personalities, but I’m not sure that you can totally place “Addiction” and “Love and Respect” in two totally separate categories, as you said: “If he’s actually addicted, truly, self-medicating through this, then it isn’t an issue of him not respecting you or not caring about you and you don’t have to break up with him.”

I don’t know that being an junkie means that he gets a “get out of jail free card” when it comes to disrespecting her. She’s already confronted him, and he he hasn’t made any attempt to deal with his addiction. If he loved and respected her and treated her as an equal, I would hope that he’d take her concerns gravely and consider observing a therapist or dealing with his issues.

It seems like he hasn’t made any effort to deal with it yet, and maybe he’s not ready. But I don’t think she should stick around, doing worse things for her self-esteem and self-worth, just to test if his lack of respect and love for her is solely driven by addiction.

6napkinburger January 11, 2012, 11:39 am

And I agree with your last sentence whole-heartedly. But there’s a difference inbetween confronting someone about cheating (which she was totally right to do) and talking with him about a possible addiction. The former is going to make you overly-defensive. But if he is not receptive of the latter, and he understands that its a dealbreaker and he still just argues and defends? Undoubtedly stir on. But if he doesn’t and he realizes that his life is clearly out of control and seeks help, I don’t think all is lost yet.

I’m not telling that being an junkie gets you an “get out of jail free” card. But I think it might mean redefining what you mean by disrepecting her. We would agree that swearing at someone (not in jest) is a sign of disrescpect. However, someone with a disorder which causes them to shout expletives (which has long, improperly referred to generally as Tourette’s, of which it is only a petite percentage) is not disresepcting the people who s/he shouts them at — it is all about intent to disrespect and indifference to causing harm. I am also not that familiar with addiction, but I understand that the object of the addiction is not actually that significant — an alcoholic, a compulsive-gambler, a real shopolic, pornography — its all the same. And none of it has anything to do with respect they have for their loved ones; its about control, self-soothing, and brain chemicals. If it a true addiction, I believe that dichotomy would carry over into his object — assumingly lewd talking online.

I am not excusing his behavior, or at least, not going forward. And perhaps I am over medicalizing it. But when it affects so many aspects of his life — sleeping, going outside, intimity with his gf, his job (from no sleep) — that rings many “actual addiction” warning bells as well as treatable depression. It isn’t her job to fix him or to make sure he gets help. But I just don’t think she should interpret doing so is a sign that she disrespects herself, if done in the decent way and she should feel that it is a choice that she can make while still maintaining her dignity.

Skyblossom January 11, 2012, 11:28 am

Whether he can help it or not his behavior is unhealthy for the letter writer and for that reason alone she needs to budge on. When his behavior harms her self-esteem then she is in a relationship that doesn’t work for her regardless of the reason. If he needs help he will have to determine that he needs help and then act on that decision. Until he does that he can’t be helped and sometimes the best help is to leave so that if he is addicted it will thrust him to realize how personally devastating his behavior is so that he will acknowledge his problem. She can’t fix him and it isn’t her responsibility to fix him. Two years isn’t a large amount of time to spend in a relationship and is no reason to proceed. She could spend two more years attempting to fix him and then end the relationship feeling even worse than she does now or should could budge on, spend time healing then meet someone else who is much better and be far more satisfied in another two years.

Stud Friday January 11, 2012, 11:48 am

Yeah, but if you deal with people with any kind of addiction enough — drugs, alcohol, pornography, whatever — you find pretty quickly that the effect it has on the brain chemistry honestly makes them more often than not downright incapable to recognize the fact that they need help. That’s why interventions tend to be all the rage: because often people don’t recognize they need the help until it is compelled upon them. So while I understand your sentiment behind “no one can be helped if they don’t want/recognize they need the help”, I do think that it CAN be done without his initial readiness. But, yes, he has to want it at some point early on in the process.

Let me put it to you this way, LW: I don’t think you’d be wrong to attempt and get him some help if you want to do that, and I also don’t think you’d be wrong to walk away at this point. The only “wrong” thing I can see at the moment is letting it proceed as things are now, because that isn’t healthy for anyone involved.

FireStar January 11, 2012, 1:55 pm

I find the word addiction is thrown around so much these days – particularly when it comes to behaviour. Where does personality accountability stop and mindless compulsion begin? I understand that some behavioural addictions alter brain chemistry but even if it that is the case, is there no private accountability in getting to the stage of addiction? The point before choice turned into compulsion?

Our natural inclination as humans, I would hope, is to help and treat but I think some times we end up facilitating and fostering by coddling someone who should have been held to a better standard to begin with. I have known junkies in my life – both of substance and behavioural afflictions – and have seen very first forearm that they can only achieve a balanced life when they choose one. It’s a rough call but I think putting the onus on the LW to get him help puts too much responsibility on her and not enough on the actual person that has to choose how he wants to spend every day left in his life. This isn’t a counter to what you have said per se but something just doesn’t sit well with me putting all hurting behaviour under the umbrella of disease and therefore deserving of patience instead of consequence.

6napkinburger January 11, 2012, Four:Ten pm

I don’t disagree with the private responsibilty aspect. I’m enormous on that. I don’t think he NEEDS patience nor that she is obligated AT ALL to give i; I just think if she WANTS to give patience, if he is in fact suffering from a real form of addiction, that doesn’t make her a doormat.

If this LW had had enough and was like, hells no, she would have left him already. I think I would have. Not because I’m stronger or anything, but because I KNOW I don’t have any desire to be that crutch that someone needs, and I have no desire to work through the addiction with someone. It’s just too much work and I’m far too selfish for that. And I’m ok with that. BUT. If I determined I was up for it/dreamed to, I don’t think it would mean I had no self-respect. It’s a decision.

Everyone was quick to tell her that she effectively had no choice but to leave him, if she respected herself. I desired to put it out there that, depending on what is indeed going on, she does have a choice.

Colleen January 11, 2012, 12:06 pm

You make some indeed thoughtful points. It’s true that sometimes a relationship lasts through an addiction and recovery. However, in this situation I think the LW doesn’t seem to be in a healthy enough place to sustain a recovery with her own wellness intact. Whenever we support someone going through a hard time, it needs to come from our own place of strength. LW is just too hammered down by this relationship and too close to the situation, in my opinion.

Leroy January 11, 2012, 12:22 pm

It does sound like his behavior has intensified. If they’d been dating for two years before moving in together, then it means that he was spending a lot of time with her and not permanently chaturbating. But at this point, he won’t even go out with her socially, which suggests that it’s gotten worse.

JK January 11, 2012, 12:28 pm

Chaturbating, love it. (The word, not the activity)

spark_plug January 11, 2012, Five:47 pm

I may be a little callous, but I think that people with addictions only deserve their SO if they are willing to treat their addiction. It’s one thing to say “honey, I’m addicted to the internet and can’t stop albeit I want to, let’s find a way”. It’s totally another thing to say “I can’t help it” and leave it at that or not even admit there is a problem.

I realize that people with addictions might not be ready or want to realize that they have addictions and perhaps need loving people in their life. That’s fine, but that’s what family is for. I indeed don’t see any point in wasting Two+ years of my life to a man who I’m not married to and have no children with to help him realize that he has a problem. That is called co-dependency.

Addie Plead January 11, 2012, 11:11 am

I very first read this as telling your bf is addicted to Single Cat Sites, which would have been identically weird. I think the best comment is Budj’s above – your beau is a weirdo.

TheOtherMe January 11, 2012, 11:40 am

If he says it’s just for stress ease, he shouldn’t mind if you sat down next to him while he’s talking. If he rejects, M.O.A dear LW, sorry.

lk January 11, 2012, 11:48 am

LW, have you gone on these sites yourself ? maybe you could meet someone fresh ! : )

Beth January 11, 2012, 11:59 am

If the tables are turned, he might not like that at all. Regardless, MOA…before the harm is done to your self esteem and you cannot get out.

cmarie January 11, 2012, 12:03 pm

He rushes you through hookup so he can look/talk/masturbate to other chicks; that alone should scream time to stir on. He may be an junkie but if he’s not willing to get help or even talk about it, he’s not going to switch. I have a lot of addiction in my family and I’m typically very understanding about it because of that but this amount of disrespect with no attempts to address his problem is unacceptable. You don’t get a pass for stealing just because you’re an maniac and you don’t get a pass for treating your fucking partner like crap just because you’re an maniac. At some point, you have to own up to your deeds and attempt to get help, which he is obviously not ready to do. LW, I would budge on if I were you simply because it always get worse before it get better and if he won’t even acknowledge that it’s a problem, if he dismisses it with the “I’m so stressed” excuse, he still has a ways to go before he hits rock-bottom. Some maniacs reach that point over and over again only to keep slipping and it is tiresome and painful to be the loved one watching it. In the end only you can determine if your relationship is worth all the ache he has already put you through, and all the agony he will proceed to put you through in the future. If he isn’t an junkie and is simply just a jerkface with no respect for you the advice to MOA is still the same, I would just mess with his online profiles before kicking him out/leaving. Maybe sign him up for a Single Cat Site…

*HmC* January 11, 2012, 12:23 pm

LW- I agree with Wendy and most of the other commenters; this relationship is clearly NOT “going excellent” and in my opinion, most likely not salvageable. Just the fact that you think it’s going well is enough to make me earnestly question your judgment, and wonder if maybe you could benefit greatly from some time alone to reflect (and possibly get some therapy).

To be extra clear, since everyone seems to see this but you LW, the big problem here isn’t that your bf has a time-intensive hobby. If he were online playing movie games all the time, or even watching a moderate amount of non-interactive porn, but he was being fair and open with you about it, and responded to you maturely if and when you voiced concerns, that would be a entire other ball of paraffin wax. Do you see the difference?

To help makes things a little more clear for you, I’m going to break down some of the exact reasons *why* this relationship shows up to be so flawed to everyone but you (in my opinion, of course):

1) Your bf isn’t just online passively watching porn, he’s INTERACTING with other SINGLES online. And he’s doing it far more often than would very likely be healthy even if he were single. But he’s not single! Most would consider this unhealthy and obsessive behavior at best, and many would consider it cheating as well. And even if he doesn’t consider it cheating, YOU clearly do. So he is engaging in a behavior that is disrespectful to your relationship boundaries.

Two) He makes ridiculous excuses (I’m stressed so I can cheat!) when you voice your concerns, instead of making any attempt to compromise or be fair. You’ve been fighting for months. No duo is flawless and everyone has disagreements, but a good playmate RESPONDS actively when their significant other voices a concern. They do not turn down to even compromise. So can you keep having this same fight forever? Because he’s basically put you in a position to either accept his behavior, or leave.

Trio) You don’t trust each other. He closes the browser when you treatment, you snoop his computer. And you’re right to not trust him, he’s a proven, consistent liar. Is that a trait you want in a “superb” fucking partner?

Four) He rushes you through lovemaking, and rejects to go places with you during the day. Perhaps less serious than the other issues, but again, he is entirely unresponsive to the fact that his behavior is depressing you and causing you to literally lose sleep. As stand alone issues, you could maybe work on these or attempt and get to the bottom of them. But you’ve already done that, and his response has been wholly unsatisfactory for you. You have already communicated substantially, and he has done nothing to compromise or improve the relationship. What does that tell you about how much he cares about your relationship?

Bottom line- LW, you are with a boy that disrespects you, takes you for granted, and wipes his donk with your happiness. The fact that you can’t see that makes me very sad.

Francine January 11, 2012, 12:28 pm

You don’t have the power to switch anyone but yourself. You’re living with a man who has a habit that makes you depressed and is hurting your self esteem. He’s let you know that he has no plans to stop. Your choices are limited but clear. Accept his behavior and the consequences to you or budge on.

Elle January 11, 2012, 12:29 pm

I would like to nominate Lundy Bundcroft’s book: “Why does he do that?” to be a DW book club book.

LW, maybe you’ll get the book now, read it, and see that your beau is emotionally abusive. What he does is hurting your self-esteem, and even tho’ he knows that (kudos to you for telling him), he denies to stop doing it. The book will eloquently explain why your beau won’t switch. (It will also help you spot crimson flags in your other interactions with studs, so it’s a truly good book)

One thing I noticed works with guys like him – reciprocation. That thing that annoys you when he does it – you do it to him. It will drive him crazy. Get an account on those talk sites – that’s the only way you can get his attention anyway.

I agree with everyone else here – DTMFA.

Landygirl January 11, 2012, 12:34 pm

LW, please go to therapy so you can better understand why you are willing to lodge for such a dysfunctional relationship. Your BF is one part of the problem but your putting up with it is the other part. You owe it to yourself to have the best life possible and right now it doesn’t seem that you believe that. As in most cases, we are our own worst enemies when it comes to our own happiness.

All I want to add here is, this deep throats for REAL single people.

Dang, as a person who undoubtedly spent time on dating sites in her single days, it infuriates me to think that there are people mascarading as single. I mean clearly he SHOULD be single but not single and looking for a commitment because, clearly, he’s not capable.

lk January 11, 2012, Two:59 pm

LOL yeah, i thought i met a “Superb” dude on a site once… lol & after a few messages back & forward over a duo weeks, i asked him point-blank if he was single since he always was “busy” but desired to talk at what seemed like strange times….. Yup, he had a gf. But the dude was so messed up, i eventually had to block him ! like, he kept emailing me rationalizations of how he wasn’t cheating or planning to cheat or being disrespectful… he was just meeting “Friends” LOL & the relationship was a little rocky, so maybe he was someday going to break up with her… but he didn’t want to hurt her… because he was such a Fine Stud

wow, what weirdos !

jaybro January 11, 2012, 1:17 pm

Yeah, LW, there isn’t much left for you with this fellow. So I recommend leaving him. Make your plans without telling him so there isn’t any chance for him to sweet-talk you into staying. When everything is ready, and when you leave, feel free to tell him that he would benefit from help, if it’s truly an addiction he’s fighting with. But you aren’t the help he needs. I think it’s effortless to want to be that support system for someone, and sometimes it’s suitable, but in this case, both of you are better off without the other.

rainbow January 11, 2012, 1:25 pm

I agree with everyone here that you should leave as soon as possible. But I dreamed to add something, based on private practice.

If you determine to give it a attempt / woo yourself that it’s not that big of a problem / write an update telling you were misread and he actually IS a superb stud most of the time only you left behind to mention it, and after you pester him enough it looks like he’s stopped, observe out. It’s not that uncommon to switch addictions when people around you commence equating the thing you do compulsively with trouble. That way everyone thinks you’ve stopped, feels grateful, gives you space and doesn’t notice you’re now addicted to something else.

I used to live with a porn junkie (he was more like an addiction maniac, actually), and when our relationship was about to collapse because of it (no lovemaking, he would lock himself in the bathroom with his computer very first thing every morning, etc) and I said I dreamed out he abruptly stopped. BUT he turned to alcohol. And then I embarked attempting to recall and I realized that even however the porn thing was the longest period, I had seen him compulsively doing ketamine, then cocaine, then food, then making fresh friends obsessively, then watching porn, then drinking.

Drinking made him violent and annoying so I displayed him Diablo II and HE BECAME ADDICTED TO IT. Then the 2nd time he disappeared in the middle of a conversation and I found him playing when I looked around the house for him I left.

And it wasn’t any kind of wake up call, that was a year ago and he’s still sending me crazy emails blaming me for ruining his life leaving in such a violent and unpredictable way and “not knowing what unconditional means”.

I’m still asking myself WTF was I thinking. (Actually I know what I was thinking. He was absolutely hot and loved going dancing with me. But anyway).

Indeed, LW, I hope you leave. Take care of yourself.

mcminnem January 11, 2012, 1:55 pm

Don’t you love those moments? When you can look back and know exactly what you were thinking and why it made sense and still go “WTF that was not even a legit thought.”

No, I’m kidding. Those suck.

I’ve had similar ones about my high school beau.

Budj January 11, 2012, Trio:09 pm

On a side note….Diablo II was a pretty awesome game.

rainbow January 11, 2012, Trio:22 pm

Undoubtedly. I’m still waiting for Diablo III, but they’ve been pushing the release date forward since 2008. It’s one of my beloved games ever. That one, and Dungeon space Keeper II.

Budj January 11, 2012, Three:31 pm

I just bought a 13″ Macbook Pro…I almost shoveled over the extra $600 to get a movie card…unluckily (yet fortunately for my time management) I don’t think I’ll get to play Diablo three unless I want to build a desktop.

6napkinburger January 11, 2012, Four:13 pm

I don’t let myself play games like that, because I know myself too well and I can’t afford to get sucked in.

AKchic January 11, 2012, 1:35 pm

Honey, you have an internet junkie. A chatroom junkie to boot. He likes talking with anonymous people. Women. Specifically, SINGLE WOMEN. Why? So he can flirt with them, and more than likely, engage in cybersexual relations with them.

You are pitiful. You have aired your concerns and are now becoming his psuedo-jailer. This isn’t a relationship. Yes, you two live together, but you aren’t blessed, and honestly, neither is he. What’s the point? … Yeah, there is none.

Walk the fuck away. Either kick him out, or stir yourself out. Either way, don’t live together anymore and don’t take his donk back. Grow a backbone and stop being a doormat.

lets_be_honest January 11, 2012, Two:02 pm

I was looking forward to your comment on this one. I 2nd your what’s the point/

Can you imagine not wanting to fall asleep because your pervy little bf is going to run to the computer? Yuck.

AKchic January 11, 2012, Three:53 pm

Yeah… there’s more I’d love to say, unluckily I’m working on a big project, we’ve got a few bugs going around the office (flu and bronchitis) and we have a blizzard warning in effect right now (http://forecast.weather.gov/showsigwx.php?warnzone=AKZ101&warncounty=AKC020&firewxzone=AKZ101&local_place1=Homesite+Park+AK&product1=Winter+Weather+Advisory) and we’re expected to see 9-18 inches of snow beginning tonight. We’re eventually into the high 20s/mid 30s. A few places are near forty in town, which is truly weird since it was -10 two days ago. Thanks to the snow in Cordova, we’re actually out of shovels in almost every store in the city. Thank goodness I have multiples (plus a petite snow blower!). With this snow, we’re going to pass our snow record for the year.

In good news, I’ve been looking at a newer suburban, and if I get it, I’m going to put a snow plow on the older one. My current suburban (it’s a 1992) is in fine condition, so putting a plow on it is feasible, and could make me some extra money in the winter time. Plus, it would save me about sixty minutes every snowfall in shoveling the driveway.

Britannia January 11, 2012, Five:24 pm

Feel free to send some of that my way! It’s already hitting the 70’s during the day, where I live.

AKchic January 11, 2012, 6:23 pm

*laugh* There are slew of transplants that wish the snow would go away! Us Sourdoughs just shrug it off and consider it part and parcel of living here. As we say, “if you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes”.

It’s actually indeed warm (relatively speaking). I’m in a hoodie and sneakers outside today. Honestly. If we hit 40, leave behind it – I’m taking the hoodie off.

Anna January 11, 2012, Trio:02 pm

That’s what I was thinking too…but I’m entirely baffled as to what man would choose cybersex with strangers over hook-up with a real live woman?! That is what doesn’t make sense to me. But no matter what the reason, she undoubtedly needs to dump his butt and stir on because he clearly does not value her as much as she values him.

On that note, I am embarking to see two comment threads here instead of one after fairly a few glasses of wine. Yep, it was THAT kind of night at work last night. I think I should sleep before I have to go back at eleven pm tonight…ugh.

AKchic January 11, 2012, Three:47 pm

That’s why one of the euphemisms for vagina is “strange”. It’s always fresh, titillating and different – it’s STRANGE! *breathe*

The thrill of the pursue is a part of it. Fresh, stimulating conversation, the “hunt”, etc. It releases oxytocin. Heady stuff, y’know.

Zepp January 12, 2012, Five:30 am

i think when people say that they mean a fresh person, not vagina in particular. and thats where the term strange comes from- like stranger/fresh/etc.

Britannia January 11, 2012, Five:24 pm

I’m pretty sure that homeboy has some serious self-esteem issues.

Tracey January 11, 2012, Trio:16 pm

He’s lounging to and is more linked to singles talk sites than he is to you – the person he says he loves lounging in the bed next to him – joyfully choosing to deny himself an actual human connection because he seems to get greater pleasure via the internet connections he’s making. You’re playing sleep “chicken” with him – intentionally denying yourself rest for a fully unfulfilling and stress packed “gotcha” moment. Putting up with “rushed” (which must = unsatisfying) hook-up, snooping through search histories – again for the “gotcha” moment that doesn’t switch anything. Arguing repeatedly about a behavior your beau is unwilling (and maybe incapable) to switch, behavior that is embarking to negatively influence your emotional and physical health.

Why in the world do you want to stay in this depressing, soul crushing, unhealthy situation? You can’t switch him, but you can switch your reaction to his treatment of you. MOA please. You also might want to talk to a counselor to find out why you’ve put up with this for so long. You deserve better treatment, a better living situation, a better fucking partner, better health.

Oh yeah, if he’s using your computer, clear your private info off, switch your passwords, then give him that machine and get yourself a fresh one. There’s no telling what kind of computer viruses, trojans, worms, bots, and other electronic issues are stashing on that machine because of his surfing and possible downloading. Some of those singles talk sites are a hacker’s paradise.

meg January 13, 2012, 12:28 pm

“Oh yeah, if he’s using your computer, clear your private info off, switch your passwords, then give him that machine and get yourself a fresh one.”

I’d sooner throw it in the trash than prize the loser bf with it.

katie January 11, 2012, 8:37 pm

when i very first commencing reading, and i read the headline, i didnt truly think it was that bad. i would say that im addicted to dearwendy and offbeatbride, and my bf Certainly will say that. now i get that there are other things at play here with being addicted to singles websites, but i guess i can understand being addicted to websites…

but then i got to the part about how he stays up at night, and he doesnt sleep, and he wont even go out anywhere with you just so he can do this. that is a serious problem! like, that is not the “addiction” that people joke about when they talk about facebook- there is something gravely wrong with your beau. that is not normal behavior. i dont care who you are, its not normal.

LW, you indeed have two choices. you stay with him and help him through getting clean, or you leave him. i dont think anyone can say one is good over the other, but it is your choice.

you truly need to look at this like an alcohol or a drug addiction. its the same thing, just with a different medium. i think when you commence looking at it that way it will become more serious to you, and then you may be able to look at this situation like you need to be. would you be willing to stay with a drug junkie? an alcoholic? think about those things and make a decision. as i see it, any situation that is making you depressed you need to eliminate yourself from pronto. very pronto.

Meredith January 11, 2012, 9:09 pm

When I was fifteen and AIM was super cool I’d spend hours online every day for months talking to this one man I had a crush on. If we weren’t talking I was waiting for him to get online. My parents would get all mad at me for tying up the phone line (back in the awesome days of dial-up!) and i reminisce closing the talk window real quick whenever I heard them coming up the stairs and would pretend I was playing solitaire lol. Stupid random story, but it makes me wonder if your bf has made a connection with one specific person on his talk site…not that it matters one person or fifty ppl, it’s all bad and cheating.

He doesn’t want to get help or even attempt to stop doing this. By telling it’s a stress reliever, he’s even denying doing anything wrong. By the way, the talking is not relieving stress, it’s providing him a rush. He’s pursuing a high. This boy sounds like he’s got a serious addiction but he’s gonna have to realize that all by himself, and you need to leave him because it’s not going to get any better. Sorry but it’s not.

drdre January 13, 2012, 12:53 am

Stir on!! About eleven years ago I dated a man who would call hotlines to engage in phone conversations with random people. I still think about how strange that is. And this is just as, if not more strange. Weirdo on your mitts!

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