Long-distance relationships: surviving the switch

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, you very likely already have some ingenious ideas for making things work with your playmate. But have you commenced preparing for the time when you budge closer together?

Chances are you aren’t planning for your relationship to be permanently long distance. You may already be looking ahead to a time when you and your playmate will be able to live in the same town, or even the same home. And, while that anticipation might be indeed arousing, there’s a stashing danger that things might not go as slickly as you hope.

We know from research that long-distance couples risk facing greater instability when they budge closer together. In fact, the longer they spend apart, the more likely they are to feel unstable, or even break up, when they get back together. One explore displayed that 82% of couples broke up when they moved closer together [Three].

However, all is not lost. Having managed the long-distance situation, it’s likely you already have a good idea of what makes a relationship strong and glad. Studies have shown that couples in long-distance relationships often report having similar or even better relationship satisfaction to those in geographically close relationships [1]. Many long-distance couples also report having higher levels of trust and, thanks to the availability of movie calls and instant messaging, are more satisfied with the way they communicate with their playmates [Two] [Trio].

All of this, however, runs the risk of creating unrealistic expectations of how the relationship will be when it is no longer long-distance. Couples who only get to see each other on the occasional weekend have a tendency to idealise each other and romanticise the relationship. When you live far apart, it is much lighter to present the best side of yourself and keep you unpleasant habits and grumpy morning face out of glance of your playmate [Trio].

One of the reasons it may be raunchy getting back together is that the non-idealised versions of yourselves abruptly have to get to know each other. Any transitional point in a relationship can be difficult to navigate, and switching from a long-distance relationship to a geographically-close one is no different.

If you’ve talked about living together, attempt living separately at very first, and adjust to being in the same town before you share a home. Moving in together can present challenges for any duo, so if you’re habitual to being apart from one another, it’s worth paying particular attention to how you manage the switch.

Many of your routines and behaviours will be different, including lovemaking. Enhanced availability may run the risk of making things feel less special or significant. Talk to each other about what you want and figure out together how it’s going to work for you. Attempt not to put too much pressure on yourselves for everything to be flawless. Concentrate on the positives and love the fact that you can do things together that you couldn’t before.

One of you may also be adjusting to living in a fresh town, which can be strained in itself. If you’re the one who has moved, give yourself some time to detect your own things, rather than just falling into your playmate’s routine. If your playmate has moved closer to you, join in with their exploration by finding fresh places together that neither of you has been to before.

Give each other a bit of space so you can still be yourselves. Accept that it is a period of adjustment and take things leisurely, particularly in the very first few months. Talk to each other about what you both want from the relationship, and then work leisurely towards your collective aim, permitting it to unfold leisurely and naturally.

It may be a shock to the system, but the more openly you communicate about the switches, the lighter you’ll find it to deal with the switch together and come out smiling on the other side.

[1] Dargie, E., Blair, K., Goldfinger, C., & Pukall, C. (2013). Go Long! Predictors of Positive Relationship Outcomes in Long Distance Dating Relationships. Journal of Lovemaking & Marital Therapy. doi:Ten.1080/0092623X.2013.864367

[Two] Crystal Jiang, L., & Hancock, J. T. (2013). Absence Makes the Communication Grow Fonder: Geographic Separation, Interpersonal Media, and Closeness in Dating Relationships. Journal of Communication, 63(Three), 556–577

[Three] Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Individual Relationships, 24(1), 37–54

[Four] Lydon, J., Pierce, T., & O’Regan, S. (1997). Coping with moral commitment to long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 104–113

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